The One Question to Ask When You’re Feeling Frustrated or Overwhelmed

Parenting is a demanding job. Sometimes, the weight of those demands can feel overwhelming. Work is piling up, one task after another, and you’re barely keeping up. Perhaps there’s a disagreement at home or work, and suddenly, you’re grappling with insecurity, anger, and self-doubt all at once. During these times, we often find ourselves stretched so thin that a single misstep by our child can trigger a cascade of emotions, leading us to lose our temper.

When these situations arise, there’s one crucial question to ask yourself that can make all the difference in how you respond: “What are the demands placed on me, and what resources do I have right now to meet them? ” This simple yet powerful question can help you manage stress more effectively and respond with greater calm and clarity.

Understanding the Supply and Demand of Stress

The concept of supply and demand isn’t just for economics; it’s also a valuable tool for stress and anger management. The parents I work with have found this approach incredibly helpful in staying calm and understanding both themselves and their children better.

Let’s break it down:

Supply

Refers to the resources you have at your disposal. These can be physical factors, like how much sleep you’ve gotten or whether you’ve had a proper meal. They can also be emotional or social factors, such as the support you receive from loved ones or being in an environment that values your strengths and personality.

Demands

These are the pressures and responsibilities you face. This could be your children and partner all needing your attention simultaneously, household chores piling up, or the stress of meeting work deadlines.

When your supply is sufficient to meet the demands, you feel calm and ready to tackle the challenges ahead. But what happens when there’s just one extra demand that pushes you over the edge? That’s when the stress response kicks in. You might find yourself yelling, shutting down, or feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with yourself.

Four Steps to Rebalance and Respond

When you find yourself teetering on the edge of a stress-induced reaction, here’s a simple four-step process you can follow to regain control:

1. Breath

Start by taking four deep breaths. This helps to calm your mind and body, preparing you to think more clearly.

2. List your Demands

Write down all the demands you’re currently facing. This can help you get them out of your mind and onto paper, making them more manageable.

3. List your Supply

Now, list all the resources and positive factors you have. Don’t overthink it—just write down anything that could be a source of support, no matter how small it may seem.

4. Brainstorm Solutions

Finally, consider how you can adjust the balance between supply and demand. This might mean reducing demands by saying “No” more often or by focusing on what’s truly important. It could also involve increasing your supply by seeking out supportive people, getting more rest, or engaging in activities that recharge you.

Sometimes, you may need to do both—reduce demand and increase supply. And if it feels like you can’t remove any demands, consider “parking” them, meaning you set them aside mentally until you’re better equipped to deal with them.

Moving Forward with a Plan

By following these four steps, you’ll start to see new options and solutions. You’ll get unstuck and have a plan for moving forward. One parent I worked with described it as flipping a switch: they felt more grounded, better understood themselves and others, and didn’t get as irritated.

I can speak from personal experience, too. There were times in my life when I would snap and lose my temper, whether at home, at school, or even in the hospital. When I became a parent, I realized I couldn’t continue this way—I didn’t want to pass on those patterns to my child. So, I embarked on a journey of healing and developed these four steps that I now use and share with others. It gave me the insight to decrease demands by saying no and the determination to increase my supply by spending more quality time with my child and committing to regular exercise.

Creating the Discerning Parenting Podcast and connecting with all of you in the Discerning Parenting community is one way I increase my supply. I hope that listening to this podcast can be a source of support for you, too. Together, we’re breaking generational cycles of hurt and trauma, ensuring that we don’t pass them on to our kids.

If you’re interested in applying the supply and demand model to your parenting, check out my book, The Discerning Parent’s Guide to Toddler Behavior. Next time you face a challenge—whether in parenting or other areas of life—try viewing it through the lens of supply and demand. You might find it opens up new paths and a whole new mindset.