The Clingy Toddler: Is it Normal and When to Worry
Today, we’re addressing a concern from one of our listeners, which many of us can relate to.
The question is, “My toddler is super clingy. He cries insanely when I go to the restroom, sleeps beside me at night, and I’m with him all day. But soon, I’ll need to leave him with a babysitter for the day. Will it trigger his anxiety? Will it leave a negative impact on his development and mental health?”
In this post, we talk about whether this clinginess is normal, and 4 signs that there may be something more.
Strictly speaking, a toddler is a 1 or 2-year-old. But I use the word toddler loosely here, so if you have a clingy 3-year-old or even somewhat older child, you can use the same strategies.
First off, let me say, you’re doing great. It’s clear you care deeply about your child’s well-being, and you have formed a strong bond of attachment and trust with your child. You’re creating a bond that tells your child, “I’m here for you” and “You are safe with me”. These are ideas that need to be ingrained in your child’s brain for healthy brain development.
What is the most important factor to protect a child’s mental health? That will help the child be more resilient and able to face challenges confidently and independently in the future? It’s a strong relationship with a loving and nurturing parent. This strong relationship is something that you and your child already have.
Understanding Clinginess
Clinginess in toddlers is not just common; it’s expected. It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong by allowing your child to sleep beside you or by being there for them throughout the day.
I know many parents are made to feel guilty for this. Well-meaning bystanders may notice that a toddler is clingy, and they criticize the parent. One of the moms in our coaching program shared how an acquaintance of hers noticed that her two-year-old is clingy. This acquaintance said, “You’ve been quite selfish in keeping your child beside you, that’s why she’s so clingy!” She was completely taken aback, and we reassured her that
Before toddlers learn to explore, they need to know their attachment figure is there for them. This attachment is crucial for their development. Have you noticed that when toddlers and young kids are in a new situation, they look at you, as if taking their cue from you about how to proceed? This is called social referencing. When we work with parents of young kids, we ask about this, because it’s an essential milestone in social and emotional development.
Clinginess and Separation Anxiety
Clinginess can be a manifestation of separation anxiety. This is not just an emotional phase; it’s deeply intertwined with cognitive development.
You see, separation anxiety is the result of a very important cognitive milestone called object permanence. This is the understanding that objects and people continue to exist, even when the baby can’t see them. It’s a crucial part of your baby’s cognitive or thinking skills development and typically emerges around 8 to 14 months of age.
This realization—object permanence—marks a significant leap in your child’s mental abilities. However, it also introduces the concept of separation. For the first time, your little one understands that you can leave them, which can be a scary thought. This fear is what we see as clinginess or separation anxiety. It’s their way of holding on to their source of safety and comfort—you.
So, when your toddler clings to you like a koala or cries when you step into another room, remember, it’s not just emotional; it’s cognitive. They’re processing and coming to terms with this new understanding of how the world works. It’s a sign of healthy development, even if it is a bit heart-wrenching to watch.
This can provide us with a little more patience and a lot more perspective. Yes, it’s challenging when your toddler can’t bear to let you out of their sight, but it’s also a sign of their growing understanding of the world.
Typically, separation anxiety kicks in around 8 to 14 months of age and can peak at various stages, depending on the child, and it usually resolves by the time a child is 3 years old. But now, we sometimes see it even beyond the toddler years. It may be related to the pandemic, when some kids may have had fewer opportunities to socialize outside the home, or some kids may have had to experience traumatic separations from their parents due to illness.
Recognizing When Clinginess May Be a Sign of a Deeper Concern
While clinginess and separation anxiety may be normal, we also need to know when this behavior might indicate something more. Let’s discuss the signs to watch for and when clinginess may cross the line from a normal developmental phase to something requiring additional support.
1. Clinginess seems to escalate rather than gradually improve.
First, if the clinginess seems to escalate rather than gradually improve, especially as your child grows older, it might be a sign to pay closer attention. While some ups and downs are expected, overall, we should see a gradual decrease in separation anxiety as children move toward their preschool years.
2. The anxiety interferes with their daily activities or development.
Another sign is if the anxiety interferes with their daily activities or development. For example, if a child is so anxious that they’re unable to play, interact with others, or attend childcare without significant distress, this could be a cause for concern.
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3. There are warning signs of language or developmental delay.
Additionally, we need to look at whether there are signs of concern in a child’s development and behavior. Are there warning signs of language or developmental delay? Or extreme struggles with emotional regulation? Check out episodes ____ for more about this. Is there what we call developmental regression? This means that a child who has already mastered a skill starts to regress—such as returning to more babyish speech or experiencing a setback in toilet training—this could be a reaction to stress or anxiety.
4. If your child’s clinginess is accompanied by extreme distress.
Lastly, if your child’s clinginess is accompanied by extreme distress—like panic attacks, prolonged crying, or difficulty breathing when anticipating separation—this could indicate the need for additional support.
If you recognize any of these signs, seeking advice from your pediatrician or child health provider might be helpful. They can do developmental and mental health screening, as well as offer strategies to help manage your child’s anxiety, provide support, and ensure that your child continues to develop healthily.
Conclusion
Clinginess and separation anxiety are a normal part of development, but as parents, it’s our job to tune into our children’s needs, recognizing when they might need a little extra support. By staying informed and attentive, we can navigate these challenges together, ensuring our children feel secure, understood, and loved.