Why Promising to Keep Calm is Not the Way to Stop Yelling

You’ve promised yourself, time and again – today will be different. Today, you won’t raise your voice. You won’t lose your temper. But amidst the chaos of daily life, the stress of juggling everything from getting groceries while a toddler is having a meltdown at the shopping cart to playing referee between fighting siblings, it feels like the entire burden of staying calm rests on us.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the science behind yelling and why it’s not just a matter of willpower. Moreover, we’ll delve into strategies for rewiring the brain and achieving lasting emotional healing.

Understanding the Brain

“It’s all a matter of willpower. All you need to do is think positively. You can do it! Believe in yourself!”

While these affirmations sound encouraging, the reality is more complex. Yelling is often not a conscious choice; it’s a built-in response programmed into our brains. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking and self-control, engages when we tell ourselves to stay calm.

However, yelling, at its core, is an emotional response linked to the limbic system, the ‘primitive brain,’ triggering fight, flight, or freeze reactions in high-stress moments.

The Primal Survival Mechanism

Yelling, a primal reaction dating back to our early ancestors, served as a survival mechanism. Stress hormones are released, preparing the body for action. While today’s stressors may not be life-threatening, the activation of our primitive brain remains the same. Understanding this helps us recognize that it’s not about personal failure but a deep-rooted response to stress.

Individual Differences and Childhood Influences

Why do people react differently to the same stressor? Individual differences, influenced by genes, physical condition, and past experiences, play a crucial role. Childhood experiences, especially during the first three years, shape automatic responses. If yelling was common in your upbringing, you might default to this behavior even if you consciously disapprove.

The Road to Change

Recognizing that yelling isn’t a result of personal failure is the first step in creating change. By understanding that it’s a brain-based response to stress, we can address it more effectively. Three general strategies for rewiring the brain include stress management, mindfulness, and deep emotional healing.

1. Stress Management and Wellness Strategies

Reducing stressors decreases the chances of triggering fight or flight responses. Identifying and eliminating unnecessary stressors is essential for a calmer mindset.

2. Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness

Practicing mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, helps acknowledge and intervene when early signs of stress and anger emerge. This allows the higher brain to remain active.

3. Deep Emotional and Subconscious Healing

While strategies focusing on the higher brain are crucial, healing the subconscious is equally important. The subconscious holds deep-seated beliefs and emotions, influencing behavior. Combining parenting strategies with integrative methods like the HeartHealing approach can lead to holistic emotional healing.

Conclusion

Embarking on a journey of emotional healing and parental growth is a process of self-discovery. Recognizing the automatic responses built into our brains and understanding the influence of early experiences allows for targeted interventions. By incorporating stress management, mindfulness, and deep emotional healing strategies, we can create lasting changes, making calmer responses more automatic. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey; we are all learning and growing together.